overwhelmed 2.0

 it was supoosed to be a weekend of great importance virtual ASCP 2020 

but i am overwhelmed by .....sooo many things.

why do i even bother about ascp ?  what am i running after.

its not easy fo me to relax.

i am sad because i didn't get what i wanted. i liked someone but my feelings weren't reciprocated, at least not the way i wanted to.

I did istekhara so this is probably the best for me.

I trust Allah with all his plans but this is painful, so painful.

there are people doing worse than me i know but the situation that am i in is it a trial or a punishment.

i have been told to be nice, act sweet but is it gonna work.

its been years.... I have been praying for soooo long, for something that comes naturally to 99% of the people and here I am.i currently hold the title of the oldest single female ever in my family, and also the most educated one so yeah bad example maybe.

i don't want to write something negative, say something negative or my future self to read something negative.

i survived the pandemic........i passed the arab board got fellowship.....alhamduAllah.

but i am broken  

Lucky unlucky!

I feel like a little girl whose begging her parents for an expensive toy
But her parents keep on buying her lollipops to make her shut up!

Sick of myself

I am just sooo sick of myself
God you listening?

Note to future single self 6 December 2016

Dearest sameera
How are you
The answer should be alhamduallah. ...I am not expecting anything other than that
Life is tough...and it gets tougher
I understand
I hope by now you will inshallah be well settled In  the pathology program
On way to becoming a pathologist
The way things are going.....I am not expecting to get married in one ro two years ....unless by a miracle
Allah had already shown many but he tests .....everyone
I want you to hold strong 27 and single is not the end
It is painful to see all your friends getting married having kids
But u shouldn't forget there's no happily everafter
Count your blessings
Count again
Count them all
Health and family aren't insignificant
Peace and prosperity are neither
I believe all the stress related to unable to find a partner is because the end that I have I  mind is that of a blissful married life
But that ain't the end
I am afraid of remaining single my whole life and growing old like a burden on others
But not all married people are happy
Not all wives receive love and respect
Would you rather exchange a life of peace and tranquility for that of slavery and abuse
The end is to give back to the world that gave you so much
The end is to serve humanity
That brings peace
Think of amna , sonia , somia iqtadar

Serve humanity

This part of my life is called prosperity!

I have money
I have peace
I have a job
I dnt have any stress!
Dream life
And what did I ever do to deserve all this
سبحان الله! الحمدلله! الله أكبر!
Can't thank Allah enough!
Thank you so much Lord
No doubt you are great!

Restlessness

Dear Lord!
Help me pls
I think I prayed that u choose for me whatever is the best
And yes a few times said I want to go
Why am I so restless
Am I wrong ??
I did wrong many times
Disobeyed you
But this

What's happening and why???
I ask of forgiveness

Huda wedding planning

Would going to pak to attend my bestie wedding make me a bad person
Is ibrahim bhai right
He might be right in saying no to me alone but he said so many mean things to ne
Asking me to move out that's too much

Am I doubting myself too much or risking too much

I don't wanna live scared anymore
if god had any other plan for me he shouldn't have had made me go through this much
I had a dream which is probably lost
I am not interested in food or expensive clothese
I only want to have a nice time and be happy
That's all I ever wanted
And I have no idea what to say to huda
How do I tell her
I don't wanna disappoint her
After all she has done and been for me all these years
Sorry huda!